To begin our story, let me set the scene; The Mall, just your average mall. People everywhere. Kids with ice cream dripping on the tile floor. The smell of cinnamon nuts wafting through the air, mixed the occasional old man fart. Perfect setting for my next love affair.
It was about noon, my mother likes to go early to avoid the crowds. I soon left her behind in the cookery isle and ventured onward to my destination: Clothes. Racks on racks of clothes. Everywhere. Just enough to make the estrogen level of a male lion skyrocket.
I entered the cotton and polyester jungle in search of something to tickle my fancy (it's a commonly used expression, Google it, babe). As a rounded the corner in search of a certain pair of jeans that I had seen on one of those creepy mannequins that only consist of legs, I ran face to moobs with a large, pizza-faced, prepubescent tween monster. This kid looked to be about 14 years old, and sported a green t-shirt stating his middle school's name with a deformed picture of what I can only guess was either a very manly Cougar, or an Elephant Seal. Me being the polite, yet total bitch, that I am to strangers (Sometimes for my own personal enjoyment, I'll pick out a person from the crowd and stare them down, making the most disgusted face possible at their every move), gave him the meaningless "Sorry," and proceeded to swerve around said moobs and onto the jean section. Thinking nothing of it I continued to pick up ever pair of jeans in my size and mess up the perfect folding job, to see if they were the ones I was looking for.
About a half an hour later, with a respectable amount of clothing in my arms I proceeded to the dress section to find something nice to buy, but that I will never wear. When I neared the dresses I noticed Moobs (we'll just refer to the aforementioned large kid as "Moobs") standing directly in front of the rack of clothing I wanted to go to. I proceeded to cruise around the dresses that I might actually wear and wait for him to move a little so I could get to the gold. Finally he must have sensed the thoughts I was sending towards him, because he shifted towards another clothing rack. Like an alligator seeing a Pomeranian I launched myself towards the rack, grabbed my size, and sped off towards the safety of my mother (It's a known fact that women in clogs block all contact from teenage males).
We paid for my large pile of clothes and I found myself in need of a pair of shoes. We walked towards a shoe store, I slightly glanced over my shoulder to tell one of those foreign guys that I don't want to try his lotion, and happened to notice a large green mass about 50 feet behind me (I don't know if that measurement is accurate, I have no grasp of distance). After an exaggerated double-take I quickened my pace and made it into the shoe store. My mother left and with that the clogs magic shield did too. I noticed Moobs had also came into the shore store, which I found peculiar because it was a women's shoe store. I tried to ignore him but he remained about ten feet away from me at all times. I sneaked a look at him multiple times and to my disbelief nearly every time he was looking at me, jaw gaping, and breath wheezing. I quickly picked a pair of nice vans, and heard a raspy voice whisper "They look better in purple." This was just enraging, no one should ever dare to make a comment about my choice of foot wear. I turned to Moobs and told him that a woman's sense of color is proven to be much more heightened than any males, and pointed out the fact that he was wearing a dark green shirt with black shoes that had lime laces. Lime and Dark green do not go together. EVAR. He chuckled. Literally chuckled, then proceeded to tell me his actual name which I have forgotten. This fact only enraged me further, as the fact that he had not been put off by naturally cold-hearted nature. I introduced myself as "Stop following me around the mall." Upon seeing that his cover had been blown, his face went a grotesque shade of pale peach, which managed to bring the most joyful of smiles to my face. I turned and walked over to my mother, recounted the situation and received an incognito high-five.
Today's Tip: Always eat Popsicles by putting them in as deep into your mouth/throat as possible.
Stay sassy, my friends.
Stay sassy, my friends.
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